Read by Michael Flamel

Ah, the melodious ring of the surnames Holt and Kissel! My whole life, I believed these names bestowed upon me a rich tapestry of German heritage. Picture me, a proud member of the Teutonic tribe, marching boldly into the world armed with bratwurst and lederhosen. The truth, however, was about as German as a kangaroo in a dirndl.

My culinary journey into the world of German fare began with my father, a chef extraordinaire who wielded spatulas like a maestro conducting a symphony of flavors. Despite my initial picky eater status, Dad managed to have me devouring frankfurters and sauerkraut at an age when most kids were still mastering the art of eating with utensils. This early initiation into the world of German cuisine led me to believe I was destined for a life of lebkuchen and schnitzel.

Imagine my surprise when, in the quest to uncover the roots of my supposed German lineage, I stumbled upon a family tree that looked more like a deciduous forest with roots extending to places like Great Britain, France and Scandinavia, backed up by DNA results from ancestry. It seems the Holts and Kissels weren’t exactly card-carrying members of the Sauerkraut Society. Oh, the irony!

Now, let’s talk sauerkraut—the tangy, crunchy delight that played a starring role in my childhood culinary theatrics. My mother, aghast at my sudden transformation into a sauerkraut enthusiast, often wondered if she had switched babies at the hospital. But, as the saying goes, the proof is in the pickling vat.

Sauerkraut, for those not initiated into the cabbagey goodness, is essentially fermented cabbage. A German staple for centuries, it boasts a history as rich and tangy as the kraut itself. Fermentation, the magical process that turns ordinary cabbage into sauerkraut, dates back to ancient times when our ancestors realized that letting food sit around for a while could have surprisingly tasty results. Thank you, fermentation, for turning cabbage into something more exciting than, well, cabbage.

Now, brace yourselves, for I present the complete guide to the best German sauerkraut you’ll ever lay taste buds on. Grab your cabbage, channel your inner sauerkraut shaman, and let the fermentation festivities begin!

Ingredients:

• 1 head of fresh, crisp cabbage
• 2 tablespoons of salt (more if you’re feeling bold)
• Caraway seeds (because we’re fancy like that)

Instructions:

• Shred the cabbage as if you’re hosting a miniature cabbage parade.
• Sprinkle the cabbage with salt like you’re dressing it up for a cabbage ball.
• Massage the cabbage until it’s as relaxed as a spa-goer in a hot tub (liquid will be released).
• Add a generous sprinkle of caraway seeds for that extra oomph.
• Pack the cabbage into a jar like you’re playing cabbage Tetris.
• Pour the liquid that was released during kneading on top.
• Let the cabbage sit and ferment like it’s on a relaxing vacation for one to four weeks depending upon how sour you like it. Now you should refrigerate it where it will keep for another 3 to 4 months.

 
Now, the real question arises: how to devour this fermented masterpiece? Fear not, dear reader, for I present to you five ways to enjoy sauerkraut that will have you exclaiming, “Prost!” in no time.

1. Classic Sidekick: Serve sauerkraut as the perfect side to your favorite German dish—bratwurst, schnitzel, or even a hearty pretzel. It’s like the loyal sidekick that makes the hero (your main course) shine brighter.
2. Reuben Revolution: Transform your sandwich game with a Reuben that would make a deli jealous. Layer sauerkraut, corned beef, Swiss cheese, and Russian dressing between two slices of rye bread. Grill it to perfection, and you’ve just created a masterpiece between slices.
3. Kraut-topped Frankfurters: Upgrade your hot dog experience by topping it with a generous helping of sauerkraut. It’s a tangy, crunchy explosion that will make you rethink your ketchup-and-mustard ways.
4. Kraut-stuffed Pretzel Bites: Take soft pretzel bites to the next level by stuffing them with sauerkraut. It’s a savory surprise that will have your taste buds doing the polka.
5. Kraut and Potato Pierogi Perfection: Embrace the Eastern European roots with a fusion dish that marries sauerkraut with potato pierogies. Boil, fry, or sauté—the choice is yours, but the result is pure comfort on a plate.

 
So here I am, a sauerkraut enthusiast with roots that zigzag across Europe. While my German heritage may be more folklore than fact, my love for German food and the almighty sauerkraut remains unwavering. Who needs a family crest when you have a plate full of kraut-topped delights? Prost to delicious discoveries, even if they come with a side of cabbage-induced identity crisis!