Here at GreenPrints, we’ve long believed that gardening is a dance—sometimes a graceful waltz with pollinators, other times a full-blown mosh pit with pests. And rarely has that mosh pit been more hilariously, and heroically, described than in Marjorie Schratz McNamara’s “Beetle Mania,” our summer saga of one woman’s backyard war against the most insufferable of garden villains: Japanese beetles.

Let’s face it—every gardener has their line in the mulch. Aphids? You can hose ‘em. Slugs? A saucer of beer. But Japanese beetles? They descend like glitter at a craft party: sparkly, sticky, and suddenly everywhere. Roses, raspberries, zinnias, even the twelve-foot apple tree—nothing is safe from their relentless chomp.

In Marjorie’s case, these metallic menaces didn’t just invade her plants, they practically threw a garden rave while she was out of town. What followed is the stuff of organic gardening legend. Forget chemical warfare—armed with nothing but a spackling bucket, a pole, and the quiet rage of someone whose zinnias have been violated, Marjorie launched a full-on dawn raid under the apple tree. Her tactics? Let’s just say they’re part MacGyver, part Wile E. Coyote, and wholly effective.

We highly recommend you picture her plastic-sheet ambush and celebratory “war dance” under the rising sun. It’s equal parts gardening advice, performance art, and primal scream therapy. You may never look at a tarp the same way again.

Her tale is both a tribute and a gentle roast of all of us who’ve tried everything from duct tape to duck decoys to keep the garden in check. It’s for those who’ve solemnly stalked squash bugs in their pajamas, who’ve muttered unspeakable things to cabbage worms, and who’ve Googled “natural pest control” so many times their browsers think they’re opening a nature-themed dojo.

What makes this article sing—besides the delightful image of beetle-crushing footwork—is its warm, witty reminder that sometimes, the best solutions aren’t in a bottle or a blog post. They’re under your tree, before sunrise, with a solid plan and a strong cup of coffee.

So whether you’re a battle-hardened farmer, a raised-bed romantic, or simply someone who’s lost one too many roses to glistening green-winged interlopers, you must read Marjorie’s piece in our July 2024 issue.

Go on, click the link below. Grab your beverage of choice and get ready to laugh, nod in solidarity, and maybe even bust out your own beetle-banishing boogie.

Read Beetle Mania by Marjorie Schratz McNamara in the July 2024 issue of GreenPrints