Read by Michael Flamel

CCountess Elizabeth von Armin wrote, “If Eve had had a spade in paradise and known what to do with it, we should not have had all that said business of the Apple.”

This statement is supposed to point out the virtuous superiority of gardening. We gardeners have the secret passkey to peace and all that. I’m not so sure. It makes me wonder if the good countess ever married. Married gardeners, you see, have this problem. I mean, imagine the scene as Eve comes upon her spouse who’s kneeling under the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil…

“Adam, what are you doing?”

“I’m hilling up a rim of dirt around this tree to help it catch rainwater.”

“That’s nice, dear. But isn’t that circle a little small? Shouldn’t it run all the way out to the tree’s dripline?”

“Eve, the dripline’s where you set a ring of fertilizer, not where you build a catch basin.”

“But that’s if you’ve got a good layer of mulch under the tree to help the soil hold water. We don’t have mulch under this tree, since you still haven’t fixed the chipper/shredder.”

“Me fix it? Who’s the one who tried to jam entire Cedars of Lebanon down its feed chute?”

“You don’t have to get testy, Adam.”

“Testy? I’m not testy. It’s just—look, I was gardening before you were born. I know how to take care of a fruit tree.”

“Oh, so? Then why did you let this tree get so overloaded? You’ll be lucky now if the limbs don’t break.”

“Eve, God planted this Tree of Knowledge. I suppose He knew what He was doing.”

“Fine, fine, God planted it, but Adam didn’t give it a good open-center pruning in the off-season, did he? Adam didn’t thin the young fruits in June or cut the water sprouts in July. You get that many fruits on a tree, the flavor gets too diluted. None of them will taste any good.”

“What do you mean? God himself couldn’t have taken better care of this tree. The fruits will taste great.”

“Adam, you’re the best man in the world, but face it, you’ve got a ways to go as a gardener.”

“That does it!” Crunch, crunch! “See, they taste great! Here, take a bite.”

Chew, chew. “Not bad, a little tart but—”

I don’t have to tell you the rest. My point is simple. You don’t really need a serpent to get a pair of married gardeners in hot water. Nope, just put them out in the same garden. Nine times out of ten it won’t be long before all hell breaks loose. ❖