Read by Matilda Longbottom

Being an organic gardener, I steer clear of pesticides, much to the delight of the Japanese beetles who seem to have my garden programmed into the GPSes of their minuscule insect brains. These tiny terrors have an uncanny knack for sniffing out my precious plants, turning them into their own personal buffet. Now, I wouldn’t mind the occasional nibble if they showed some restraint, but these beetles devour everything in sight with a gusto that puts a starving teenager to shame.

Despite their iridescent green-and-copper allure, make no mistake, these beetles are the epitome of ugly when they set their sights on my roses. They’re like tiny, winged vacuum cleaners with a penchant for floral destruction. Last year, however, they crossed the line when they transformed my prized Great Expectations roses into something worthy of a Dickensian tragedy.

Thus, it was time for drastic measures – the Ugly Bug Stomp.

This ingenious technique is both cheap and effective, requiring nothing more than a plastic container, some soapy water, and a keen eye for spotting beetles. Simply lure the culprits onto a leaf, give it a tap, and watch them plummet into the sudsy abyss below. It’s a quick and painless end for the beetles, though whether they deserve such mercy is up for debate. Then, it’s just a matter of squishing their carcasses underfoot, turning them into fertilizer while getting in a little impromptu Zumba session.

For those with a gentler disposition, there’s always the option of planting extra to share with the bugs. But for the rest of us, it’s the Ugly Bug Stomp all the way.

So, swing those hips and join the chorus!

Find an ugly bug, tap it in the suds.
plop-plop
Find another bug, tap it in the suds.
plop-plop
Then you pour ‘em out, mash ‘em with your foot.
stomp-stomp
Now you’re doing the Ugly Bug Stomp!
boppa-doo-wah, boppa-doo-wah

Illustration Suggestion: A whimsical drawing depicting a garden scene with exaggeratedly horrified plants looking on as the gardener, wielding a plastic container filled with soapy water, engages in the “Ugly Bug Stomp” with comical determination, surrounded by floating Japanese beetles and a stray cat with a mischievous grin.

About the Author: Kay Flowers is a green-thumbed wordsmith residing in the picturesque Appalachian region of Ohio. When not penning humorous tales of garden warfare, she can be found tending to her verdant oasis alongside her husband, Denny, and their vigilant feline companion, Stubby. With a background in education and library sciences, Kay is a fount of botanical knowledge, often found sharing her passion for medicinal herbs at the local farmers market. In addition to her gardening exploits, she is the creative force behind two captivating novels, “Caleb’s Daughter” and “Mustang Girl,” and contributes a monthly gardening column to a local publication.