Read by Amanda MacArthur

EEngaging in gardening imparts various life lessons, but it also offers practical insights. I’ve encountered some harsh realities about certain vegetables, and it’s time to candidly address them.

Let’s start with Pumpkin—you’re a bit of a nuisance. Your sprawling nature takes up too much space, going rogue all over the place. I constantly have to rotate you to prevent that weird flat side that turns mealy and unpleasant. Honestly, after the initial Fall fascination for decoration, you’re not worth the trouble to cook. You’re officially replaced by fake pumpkins. Sorry, Pumpkin.

Green Pepper, what’s your deal? Planted you and your hipster sister, Purple Pepper, side by side, and you both produced a few tiny peppers with thick skin. Cute, but hardly worth the effort. You’re done. On the contrary, Banana Pepper and Hot Hungarian Wax Pepper, ease up. As an Irish gal, I’m not well-versed in handling your abundance. And could you make it clear who’s who? It’s like a spicy roulette when tossed together. Banana and Hungarian Wax, you’re in, but just one plant each. Your assertiveness is overwhelming.

Broccoli and Cauliflower, you’re like the Patti Dukes of the garden. Broccoli, you’re the down-home basic Patti, and Cauliflower, you’re the trendy gluten-free darling. Broccoli, I appreciate your versatility, but growing you is disappointing—spindly, leggy, and bitter. You’re out. Cauliflower, kudos for your popularity, but growing you is a futile effort. You’re passive-aggressive, uncooperative, and I don’t have time for that. Store-bought riced Cauliflower it is. Evicted from my garden.

Now, Zucchini and Summer Squash, we need to talk. Zucchini, moderation suits you. Too much, and I can make zucchini bread. That’s a win-win. Summer Squash, not many are fans of you. You’re kind of boring, weird-textured, and those knobs are unappetizing. I’ll keep one plant each, but no kitchen takeover, please.

Eggplant, you’re full of surprises. Your spongy texture grossed me out until I discovered your secret. Salting and cooking you up results in a delightful party of flavors. Grilled, pan-fried, or baked, you’re amazing. You can stay.

Kale, the trendy and slightly pretentious vegetable. Surprisingly, I like you. You keep giving, and I can use you in various recipes. Welcome to the garden, Kale.

Garlic, you saucy minx. Not only are you a generous bulb, but you also have scapes, those garlicky, oniony delights. You’re definitely in.

Finally, Tomato. I used to dislike you as a child, but now I’m a fan, especially right from the garden. Fresh tomatoes, garlic, and basil make a transformative sauce. It’s like sunshine in your mouth. I’m planting you every year in various varieties. I might even save some rotten ones for the next annoying politician. Good thing I have plenty of tomatoes. ❖

 
About the Author: Mary Sullivan, along with her husband, embraced farm life unexpectedly, leading to a journey of discovery and growth. Through her blog, “What the Farm?,” and her memoir of the same name, Mary shares the joys and lessons of farm living, offering insights into the beauty of rural life.