Read by Michael Flamel

I’m father to four, who were born in such varied places as The Bat Cave Valley Clinic and our bedroom. So I’ve done my share of childbirth assistance, from playing the coach (” All right now, the next contraction should be in 15 seconds. Remember, use the breathing we practiced.”) to acting the supportive partner (“Would you like a wet rag, honey? Should I rub your back?”) to being a tear-filled parent when the child finally was born. (“Look everyone, it’s a baby!”)

So this Spring, when I set up my seed flats for broccolis, tomatoes, sweet peas, and four o’clocks, I thought I’d put my experience to good use. Yes, I decided to coach my plants through their seedbirths. Fortunately, I’d taken this birth-coach stuff pretty serious and kept a list of notes. True, some of the tips didn’t look too useful. A seed tray probably wouldn’t appreciate a cup of ice chips or having me massage its adductor muscle. But the rest looked worth following, pretty much in order.

The first tip was simple: Talk to her. Keep her company. I could do that. “You’ll do great, seed tray, really. Don’t worry, this will all be over soon, and we’ll have a whole set of wonderful seedlings.”

Number 2: Give her plenty to drink, but no food. OK. “Now, seeds, here’s some warm, wet water for you. But no fertilizers, not till you’re up and growing.”

Number 3: Help her stay warm. I didn’t have any seed-size robes or slippers, so I covered the tray with a plastic sheet.

Number 4: Time the contractions. “Well, dears, it’s been six days. The packet said germination would take five to seven, so hang in there, most of it’s over.”

Number 5: Be patient. Don’t put any pressure on her. “Of course, if you want to take eight days, that’s perfectly all right, I understand.”

Number 6: Hold her hand. Um, will the side of the box do?

Number 7: Tell her you love her. Ahem, tell a bunch of seeds I love them?

Number 8: Don’t be embarrassed. Do it! All right, all right. “I love you, seeds, I love you. Really.”

Number 9: Keep encouraging her. “You’re almost there, go for it. You can make it! Push! Push! PUSH!”

Look! There one is! In the corner! See? There’s a little pale seed cap starting to come through the dirt! And over there-there’s another! They’re sprouting! We did it! We did it! I’m a father! Yippee! Plant tags for everyone!

Look at them, aren’t they just the cutest seedlings you ever saw? I tell you, it was worth all the trouble. It really was. ❖