In this humorous and delightfully opinionated story, author Mary Sullivan shares the hard-earned lessons and insights she’s gained from her vegetable gardening adventures. With wit and candor, she evaluates the merits and shortcomings of various garden denizens, from the sprawling unruliness of pumpkins to the trendiness of kale. Along the way, she makes some tough calls, evicting disappointing performers like broccoli and cauliflower while embracing pleasant surprises like eggplant. Her musings touch on themes of love, betrayal, and the occasional urge to throw a rotten tomato, all told through the lens of a seasoned gardener who has learned to appreciate the quirks and charms of the vegetables she grows. It’s a relatable and entertaining read for any gardener who has ever struggled with an uncooperative crop or discovered an unexpected new favorite.

This article was originally published in our sister publication, GreenPrints Magazine under the title, “Tales of Love, Betrayal, and Tomatoes.” It was written by Mary Sullivan, illustrated by Christy Page, and was published originally in 2024, in GreenPrints Issue #142. Enjoy!

Tales of Love, Betrayal, and Tomatoes

Engaging in gardening imparts various life lessons, but it also offers practical insights. I’ve encountered some harsh realities about certain vegetables, and it’s time to candidly address them.

Let’s start with Pumpkin—you’re a bit of a nuisance. Your sprawling nature takes up too much space, going rogue all over the place. I constantly have to rotate you to prevent that weird flat side that turns mealy and unpleasant. Honestly, after the initial Fall fascination for decoration, you’re not worth the trouble to cook. You’re officially replaced by fake pumpkins. Sorry, Pumpkin.

Green Pepper, what’s your deal? Planted you and your hipster sister, Purple Pepper, side by side, and you both produced a few tiny peppers with thick skin. Cute, but hardly worth the effort. You’re done. On the contrary, Banana Pepper and Hot Hungarian Wax Pepper, ease up. As an Irish gal, I’m not well-versed in handling your abundance. And could you make it clear who’s who? It’s like a spicy roulette when tossed together. Banana and Hungarian Wax, you’re in, but just one plant each. Your assertiveness is overwhelming.

Broccoli and Cauliflower, you’re like the Patti Dukes of the garden. Broccoli, you’re the down-home basic Patti, and Cauliflower, you’re the trendy gluten-free darling. Broccoli, I appreciate your versatility, but growing you is disappointing—spindly, leggy, and bitter. You’re out. Cauliflower, kudos for your popularity, but growing you is a futile effort. You’re passive-aggressive, uncooperative, and I don’t have time for that. Store-bought riced Cauliflower it is. Evicted from my garden.

Now, Zucchini and Summer Squash, we need to talk. Zucchini, moderation suits you. Too much, and I can make zucchini bread. That’s a win-win. Summer Squash, not many are fans of you. You’re kind of boring, weird-textured, and those knobs are unappetizing. I’ll keep one plant each, but no kitchen takeover, please.

Eggplant, you’re full of surprises. Your spongy texture grossed me out until I discovered your secret. Salting and cooking you up results in a delightful party of flavors. Grilled, pan-fried, or baked, you’re amazing. You can stay.

Kale, the trendy and slightly pretentious vegetable. Surprisingly, I like you. You keep giving, and I can use you in various recipes. Welcome to the garden, Kale.

Garlic, you saucy minx. Not only are you a generous bulb, but you also have scapes, those garlicky, oniony delights. You’re definitely in.

Finally, Tomato. I used to dislike you as a child, but now I’m a fan, especially right from the garden. Fresh tomatoes, garlic, and basil make a transformative sauce. It’s like sunshine in your mouth. I’m planting you every year in various varieties. I might even save some rotten ones for the next annoying politician. Good thing I have plenty of tomatoes. ❖